SELWYN HAROLD WINNIE TRACEY
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He may have been seven at the time when everyone suddenly decided to call him Winnie instead of using his real name. He didn't even like honey and never in his life, not even once, wore a red t-shirt (those with Darth Vader, the Enterprise and X-men team were the only acceptable ones), but they did it nevertheless. And so there he was - a cute, nice kid with chubby cheeks and a phaser replica, ready to stun his enemies with it, stuck with an all-too-childish nickname that would undeniably follow him into the adulthood. Looking back at it now, almost twenty years later, it's the only thing really connecting him with those happy years in the primary school, bringing back the memories of his family house, amazing smell of mum's apple pie and dad's strong hands picking him up, up, high above the groung and into the starry sky. He swapped his toy phaser for a real gun and the rotundity of his silhouette literally evaporated. As did the childish curiosity, a strong belief that he will become the best and most often awarded captain in whole Starfleet or a real Jedi who mastered the power of turning the light off without getting out of bed. He serves people, not some higher purposes - there's no galaxy to save in his job, only civilians to protect. He no longer looks at the stars with a delight of a seven years old boy, with the sole intention of boldly going. His wars have nothing to do with them, it just took him a little bit longer than usual to understand. But maybe that's just how growing up looks like.
Noe has always been jealous of his brother, Gabriel. Because Gabriel had his life together: he was doing great as a lawyer in New Jork, he almost didn’t even call him anymore and was about to get married to some pretty American journalist named Jennifer. Their kids would probably turn out cute and perfect, just like their parents, and Gabriel would say to them work hard and be good or you’ll end up like your weird, unsuccessful uncle Noe, right? That’s all that Noe could think about when he was flying to his brother’s wedding. That Gabriel was so much better and even if he achieved it by not being completely righteous, nobody really knew, so he could be a total hypocrite about it with his future children. After all, that’s what parents did, right?
OdpowiedzUsuńAnyway. Noe was jealous but he was also a bit impressed every time he saw or heard from his brother. Of course, he never told anyone that and acted like it wasn’t true but he did wish to be more like him sometimes. And he agreed to come to the weeding because he was curious if Gab’s life was really as great as he portrayed it. Well, that, and also the fact that he’s always wanted to visit the States.
It all started pretty great – he came two weeks earlier than he was supposed to because he wanted to go sightseeing, stayed in a nice hotel and people repeatedly told him that he had a cute accent. He liked that very much.
After a few days, Noe finally decided to go see his brother. Gabriel kept saying he’s busy and couldn’t meet him but he refused to believe that and just announced that he’s going to be in his apartment soon. And the next morning Gab wasn’t returning his calls or responding to texts so Noe actually grew a little bit worried and got to his place even earlier than he originally planned.
He was half-expecting his brother to not even be home and have some important conference or something which would explain the silence on his end but that expectation was very verywrong. Noe knocked on the door and yelled loudly that it’s him but no one answered. He sighed and tried the door handle just in case... and it worked. He pushed the door open. Went in. Slipped on blood after making just one step forward.
Yes, blood. Oh God, blood. It was all over the floor, an overwhelming metallic smell got to him right away and he felt his heart actually stop for a moment and then start beating furiously. His tasty and expensive American breakfast was suddenly somewhere in his throat again and he had to swallow hard to not throw it up when the unexpected realization of what he was looking at really hit him. It was his brother. Gabriel. He was laying there, in the pool of his own blood, not moving, not breathing, covered in his own blood, just blood... and more blood.
As the adrenaline shot right through his whole body, he made a very quick decision. He didn’t cry for help, he felt like there was no time for that anymore so in seconds, he was dialling 911, putting the phone on speaker and tossing it aside while it rang. Noe was a mess right from the start. He never really paid much attention when they learned CPR in school and definitely wasn’t about to check if Gabriel was even alive, he refused to do that and proceeded to try and resuscitate him anyway. And he did that while screaming to the lady that picked up the phone in a weird mix of French and English, not really making any sense. She kept telling him to calm down but that was not even a possibility. He was sweating, crying, and swearing all at the same time, he was sure he was doing the CPR was very wrong and oh God, if he only came by sooner, maybe it’d all be alright. Or maybe he’d die too.
He bent down to do the mouth-to-mouth thing, completely ignoring the fact that Gab was already cool and his lips were turning blue because no. He could still save him somehow, he was sure of it! It felt like everything was falling apart, all of their stupid arguments didn’t even mean anything anymore and his brother was doing so well here, his wedding was in just over a week and... Noe couldn’t even see a lot at this point, everything was spinning, his vision blurry, he was sobbing and it all felt like an awful nightmare.
UsuńThe lady on the phone had to somehow understand enough of his screams to know that he really needs help and after what felt like a few hours but what was probably just minutes, he heard loud police sirens outside.
It didn’t matter though, Noe didn’t really care about the police right now, he needed doctors, his brother needed doctors because surely, there was something they could still do to save him. Someone rushed up the stairs and then talked, presumably to Noe, but he did not listen. All of the words escaped him as soon as he heard them. At this point, the blood was all over him. And he was wearing a white shirt so it only made it all more morbid. He was actually trembling and suddenly felt very cold.
“No, fuck no, don’t even come closer, get a doctor!” he screamed but couldn’t really sound intimidating while his voice was shaking so much. He didn’t even look up, didn’t turn around to see who was standing there. It had to be police or maybe the murderer was coming back to the crime scene, apparently a lot of them do... in that case, Noe would just gladly die and escape all of this.
“It’s my fucking brother, fuck, they fucking killed him, that’s his American fucking dream right there, this can’t be happening,” he had no idea who he is even talking to, maybe no one, he was already hyperventilating and also didn’t realize that half of the fucks came out of his mouth in French but who the fuck cared now, right?
Noe felt someone firmly grab him by the shoulders and he had absolutely no desire to stand up and leave his brother but when the paramedics arrived and took over, he eventually gave in. It still felt very surreal, like a dream or something straight out of his darkest, stupidest thoughts whenever he’d hear a strange sound in the middle of the night as a young kid and imagine the worst possible scenario. In a state of complete disbelief and mental suppression of what was happening, he let the policeman guide him out of the room to the staircase and then there he just stood, awkwardly stiff but trembling just a little at the same time. He was still breathing heavily and hid his hands behind his back because he couldn’t bear to look at the blood on them. The strong, metallic smell was still lodged somewhere deep up his nose and probably up his mind, too, making him nauseous. He took a deep, shaky breath and he tried to focus on the man standing in front of him. He had a police uniform on, obviously, and quite pleasant, calm features, but Noe wasn’t sure if the man really wasn’t fazed by all of this or if he was just good at looking like he wasn’t.
OdpowiedzUsuń“It’s my brother,” he said, swallowing hard. He closed his eyes for a bit and pinched his arm behind his back, still trying to somehow wake himself up. When it didn’t work, he visibly tensed up, desperately trying to hold it together. At least he remembered to talk in English this time, not even trying to think about his thick French accent though.
“My brother. Oh God. Gabriel. This can’t be happening. He’s- he’s getting married soon so he has to be okay. I didn’t even get a chance to tell him that-“ he stopped because out of the corner of his eye, above the policeman’s shoulder, he caught a glimpse of a big black bag the paramedics were opening in the living room. And he just stared, opening his eyes wider and wider, feeling like he can’t blink or it’ll all become real. His vision became blurry with tears again.
“No,” he said weakly, as well might have been just mouthing the word. “No, no, no, oh no.”
One of the paramedics came up to him and started saying something about “trauma” and “providing him with medical and psychological assistance” and there was a blanket in his hands but Noe didn’t want a fucking blanket. He wanted his brother to be alive and well and he wanted his brother to never move to this stupid awful country and he felt painfully numb and mad at the same time.
“You don’t understand, you have to save him,” he said through his teeth, fighting with the sick feeling in his stomach. He wasn’t speaking to the policeman anymore, now his attention was fully on the paramedic who clearly wasn’t very good at his job of saving people’s lives. He took a step in his direction and grabbed his arm, leaving a bloody handprint on his medical uniform. “Save him! This can’t be it, please, no I just- my parents are coming for the wedding soon, this is not right, and it’s all your, Americans’, fault, really, fuck you,” he continued, louder and more shaky with each word. Everything was spinning and Gab couldn’t be dead, no, for fuck’s sake!
The medic calmly peeled Noe’s clenched hand from his arm and looked at him with what could only be described as deep pity.
“I’m really sorry, sir, there was nothing we could do,” he said and Noe couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was too much. The metallic smell was unbearable.
UsuńHe literally sprinted back into the apartment, slipped on some blood once again, bend over the kitchen sink, the nearest thing that would save him his face at least a little bit, and threw up. It was awful. He now felt not only frantic and weak but also humiliated and completely disgusting. He felt less sick to his stomach but didn’t really feel any better, or lighter, or anything at all. Noe couldn’t bring himself to look up but he heard the whispered conversation one of the paramedics was having with the policeman, there was something about getting him to the police station or the hospital or something but it was hard to focus on anything at all because his ears were ringing and nothing made sense anymore.
For a few more minutes, Noe just stood there, bent over the sink, desperately holding onto the edge of the kitchen cabinet and he breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down. He turned on the faucet and just listened to the water running while attempting to at least wash his mouth a bit. The water turned disgusting and reddish pink in colour because of the blood that was still on his hands. He felt sick again but not throwing up kind of sick – just ill and tired in general. Like his body didn’t want to cooperate with him; everything seemed heavy and hard but finally, he straightened up and, with his hands still shaking, he took the paper towels that the policeman was handing him.
OdpowiedzUsuń“Uh, yeah. I’m Noe Margaux. Noe, kinda like the bible guy with the ark,” he said weakly, in an attempt of getting some humour out, which might have been very inappropriate in these circumstances but what else could he really do? He was trying to cope; he already panicked, already screamed at people and yet Gab was still dead, right? So clearly it didn’t help. The best thing he could do for him now was probably helping the police as much as he could.
“I’m sorry for screaming at you and your colleague like that, I’m… I still don’t really believe that-,” he said, a little choked up, and felt a few tears fall down his cheeks completely involuntarily. He took a deep breath, wiping them away. “This is… my brother’s apartment. His name’s Gabriel Margaux, he - he’s getting married soon. Wasgetting married soon I guess.” Noe swallowed, trying to keep it together. His head still hurt and he couldn’t even imagine how his parents are going to react to the news… and what about Gab’s fiancée? Wasn’t it crazy that right now, at this very moment, all of them were still living their lives as usual, excited for the wedding, probably not even taking into consideration any tragic deaths? That thought sent shivers down his spine. He hated being the only one who knew.
“Listen, I- I know you’re gonna need me to go with you to the police station and all but I just can’t look like-,” he glanced at his own soaked with blood white shirt and trousers, also sticky with already drying blood. “Like that. It’s my brother’s blood, I- can I go take a shower here and take some clothes from the closet or is the entire apartment a… crime scene?” he asked, trying to not look down at himself anymore and instead, he fixed his gaze on the policeman. Selwyn Tracey, yes, that’s how he introduced himself. He seemed like a collected, calm guy who had experience with stuff… like that and Noe hoped that he’d understand and help him.
Of course, he didn’t want to disrupt the investigation in any way but he felt nauseous at the thought of having to do anything while still soaked in Gabriel’s blood. It was driving him into panic mode all over again and if not here, he needed to go somewhere where he could clean himself up, he didn’t care if Selwyn needed to have him in sight at all times or something, he didn’t know how American police worked, and he didn’t care much at the moment, he just needed to change and then he could do whatever they told him to.
Well, he didn’t want to go to the hospital – nothing was wrong with him, except some emotional, psychological stuff that surely couldn’t be fixed by sticking a band-aid on it. And he wasn’t important right now, his brother was and whoever did this to him… oh, they were going to pay.
Noe instinctively took his hands off the counter, and sighed deeply, trying to not think about how much longer he’ll have to wear this damn shirt that was soaked with Gab’s blood. He knew that the police had procedures they had to stick too, that he was just making their job harder by touching stuff in the apartment, leaving fingerprints everywhere, but this knowledge didn’t really help. He still felt very on edge, still kind of wanted to cry but also to punch someone at the same time, and his brother was still dead. Yes. Dead. Gabriel was dead. D-e-a-d, as he kept spelling out carefully in his head. This just didn’t make any sense.
OdpowiedzUsuńHe barely understood what Selwyn was saying. Well, they had to go now, right? To the police station, and there he will be able to take care of all of this... blood. Yes. Alright, that’s what he needed. He took a deep breath, but he didn’t take his hand away from Winnie; it felt good, reassuring, even if he was just holding him gently by the elbow, probably making sure that Noe is not going to actually faint.
“Yes, I can walk,” he said, nodding his head slightly. He took a few shaky steps toward the door, trying to not focus on anything.
“Excuse me,” he added, stopping the medic who was walking by. He bit his lip, and stared at the floor for a few seconds, trying to get it together. “I’m sorry for my behaviour. I think I need that blanket after all, could you please...” Before he could ever finish the sentence, the guy was handing him a neatly folded blanket.
“Oh it’s alright. No one will hold it against you, here you go. Oh, and when you’ll finish at the station, please check into the hospital for an evaluation. It really is just a standard procedure,” said the medic, smiling at him compassionately, and so Noe smiled too, and thanked him. He wanted to be able to just not feel anything right now but he did; and he felt sad. Or more than sad actually; devastated. He threw the blanket over his own shoulders and at least this way he didn’t smell the blood anymore; just the slightly chemical scent of whatever detergent they washed the blanket with.
“Alright, we can go now. Wherever you need to take me, officer.” Noe tried to put some humour into it but he wasn’t sure if it looked that sincere. He just wanted to get it all over with, all of the interrogations, and paperwork that was sure to come. He wanted to go home... but he didn’t even know where home was anymore. It was in France, surely, but he doubted the police is going to let him leave the United States anytime soon. So all he had left was this nice, expensive hotel room he saved up some money for to make it seem like he’s better off than he really was, and absolutely no one to talk to.
“Will you... call my family? You, as in, the police? I don’t want to be the one to... tell them,” said Noe quietly when they were already on their way out of the apartment building. There was a lot of police cars outside, two ambulances, and even a crowd of people already formed, clearly curious about what was going on. Stupid people. And Noe, he somehow he felt like his family, his mother especially, would forever hate him if he was the one to tell her about her son’s death. After all, Gab was everyone’s favourite, everyone loved him. And yet, only Noe really knew him, and now it was all on him. He felt a huge weight on his shoulders.
Noe felt a little better once he was inside of the police car, away from all those people gathered around the crime scene and the medics taking care of his brother. Well, not his brother, his brother’s body. He shivered at the sheer thought of what that meant, curling up in his seat as much as he could with the seatbelt still firmly holding him in place. The ride to the police station probably wasn’t long at all but it seemed unimaginably long to him; his mind was still full of images of Gab lying there in a pool of his own blood, lifeless, helpless, alone. It was terrifying, how the life of such a sociable, extroverted person like his brother could end in such an awful way. It was unfair, because maybe, just maybe, if anyone deserved to die in their family, it was Noe, not Gabriel. After all, Noe didn’t even have his life together anyway, so what difference would it make. Or maybe he was just going insane, his thoughts constantly coming and going in waves of guilt and regret and just, overall, sadness. He still felt a few tears roll down his cheeks every once in a while but he wasn’t actively crying; it just happened. It must have been the shock.
OdpowiedzUsuńWhen they finally arrived at the police station, he let the policeman lead him to the entrance, and then somewhere beyond the desks and offices, to a long row of lockers. They almost looked like the high school ones. He opened one of them and pulled out a shirt, which he offered to Noe and he accepted it without hesitation.
“Thank you. I really appreciate it,” he said, and he meant it. The guy was nice to him, probably way nicer than he had to be. He must deal with grieving people all the time, and his job was to question them, not feel sorry for them. But he clearly did feel sorry and Noe felt calmer in his presence because of that.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes. Thank you again,” he repeated, and went into the bathroom that Selwyn showed to him.
He took all of his clothes off and went straight into the shower; it felt good to have the hot water running down his body, washing away the blood that was still on him. His hair weren’t really dirty but he washed it anyway, just wanting to feel clean, and he’d rather walk around with wet, messy hair than soaked in blood any day.
He really didn’t want to step out of that shower. He didn’t want to go back to this new, horrible reality. The pleasantly hot water made him feel better, more relaxed, and he just wanted to stay like that forever and not have to deal with anything. But he knew that wasn’t possible. There was a very considerate policeman waiting for him right outside the door. So he sighed, turned the water off and tried to not look like he was just crying. It didn’t work.
He dried himself off and put on the clothes; the pants were still a bit damp with blood on the knees and calves, because he kind of kneeled in blood earlier, but they were black so it was easy to ignore it, especially because he was wearing a fresh T-shirt and didn’t feel sticky, bloody material constantly clinging to his chest. He folded up the blanket that the paramedic gave him, then folded up the shirt he had on earlier too, and took it with him. He figured the police might want it for some reason and he didn’t want to obstruct the investigation more than he already has. He walked out of the bathroom and Selwyn was indeed right there, waiting for him.
“I didn’t know what to do with it. So if you need it for... evidence, or something, you can have it. And if not, could you just throw it away?” he asked, handing him the shirt. He definitely did not want it at all, not now, not ever; it’d only remind him of what was possibly the worst moment of his life.
“Oh. And- are you going to be the one questioning me?” he added, almost hopefully, because that would probably make everything just a little bit easier. It was stupid of him, he realised that, but he really did feel like they formed a connection already. Like he could trust this man. Well, that was probably the shock, too.
He felt relieved when he learned that Selwyn will in fact be the one questioning him; just like he felt relieved when the bloody shirt was taken out of his hands, and he knew he’s not going to have to wear it, or even just look at it, ever again. And since the policeman was the one to take the shirt away, Noe also felt grateful for that in a way. It was as if they’d already have some sort of established connection, and he clung onto it. There was just no way he could handle any strangers trying to pull every single detail of what he just recently witnessed out of him, that seemed scary, impossible even.
OdpowiedzUsuń“Of course, thank you. I’ll try to give you all you need. All you need to know,” he clarified, smiling faintly, and shifted his weight from one foot to the other a bit uncomfortably. “And I’m sorry about the rules.”
He really was sorry, he didn’t exactly know the rules thought. It was all just a very foreign situation to him. Of course, he felt very exposed and alone, after all he was in a different country, at the police station, about to be interrogated about his brother’s death. That was not an ideal circumstance, but the most depressing part of it all was that, even if he was in France, there still wouldn’t be anyone he could turn to after all of this. There was his family, yes, but they’ll probably be the one needing the most comforting here, not him, and other than that, he was pretty much alone. It was a heavy thought, that even if he could call someone, anyone who could make him feel better about all this, he wouldn’t. There was no one to call. He realized he kept himself at a distance, and he wasn’t sure if it was for his own or others’ benefit.
Selwyn said they needed to go to his desk, so they did. Noe followed him there, sat in a chair in front of the big desk and took a deep breath. The police station was mostly quiet, except for the sounds of people walking and some papers shuffling. The room was bright and open, didn’t seem intimidating at all, which was good. He told himself that he can do it, he can just go through everything again, give them all of the information, and keep his emotions at bay.
“Okay, so where do we start?” he asked, probably very visibly stressed, but he couldn’t help it; this was nothing like he’s ever experienced before. All of the knowledge he had about any type of interrogations were from American movies and TV shows. And in those, people were led to small, dark interrogation rooms that seemed stuffy and serious, and the only way out of them must have been through a jail cell, or at least that’s how the media made it look.
“Do you have the- um, any tissues? I’m not saying I’m going to cry but. I might cry,” he said, just as a little warning, and he tried to make it sound casual but it probably didn’t. He was much more of a fun person when he wasn’t so emotionally distressed, really, some would probably even call him likable, and not as grumpy as he seemed at the moment. It honestly made him just a tad frustrated, because he didn’t even feel like himself. He went from extreme anger to extreme anger, to sadness again, and now to something more like forced calmness, because he just didn’t have the energy for anything else.