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1 stycznia 2010

[KP] toujours pur






He's always been good at pretending everything's perfectly fine, and honestly, most of the time he almost believed it himself. The world's okayest brother, original family dissapointment, but it's alright, kind of, sort of. So many times he has heard that he should know better, and maybe there's some truth to it. After all, he's an adult now, but being serious and responsible never seemed to be his cup of tea. There's still so much energy in him, so much anger. The world's a shitty place when you have so much everything inside you and not a slightest clue of how to pour it out.
There are days when he outwardly snarls at people. It's a funny sound, low and vibrating, making his throat itch and tickle in this weird way he can't really describe, but it works. Makes others back away cautiously. Bared teeth, nose wrinkled with anger, deep growl and you can almost see the big black dog lurking inside him, dangerously close to the surface.
It's easier, to be a dog. Less complicated. Less... problematic. Emotions are simpler on all fours, shallower, not so absorbing. Sometimes he's tempted to stay like this - shaggy, carefree, with occasional visits of flea herds and absolutely no problems whatsoever. But then he remembers James' jokes and Remus' little smile, and Peter's startled laugh when he finds a dirty, muddy Padfoot napping on his bed, and comes back, because really, how could he ever think of leaving them. They're his family after all. The only one he ever had.
Maybe it's hard to notice the way he's changing, ever so subtly, when you see the way he smirks to himself while entering places with the "no dogs allowed" signs on the door. When he giggles with James, talking about this one time they both tried to ask Albus Dumbledore out to the Yule Ball. When he tickles Lily and calls Remus Moonbeam instead of Moony. It's not that obvious, really, but you know what they say: the devil is in the deatils. And maybe details are the thing Sirius didn't really ever care about, because he's good at being okay, or at least seeming to be, even when nothing is okay at all. He has his friends, his motorcycle and his everlasting youthful charm, and if anything goes wrong, if his own thoughts become too much, if he just can't handle the guilt heaving in his stomach at a memory of smile on his baby brother's face anymore, well, the foggy moors will always welcome him with the morning's cold air and the scent of sunrise settling in his dark fur. Beware of the dog... he is very sarcastic.



5 komentarzy:

  1. Although he knew that joining the Order was a big decision, Remus made that decision without much hesitation. He listened to a lot of his friends talking about all the different career paths they wanted to pursue after school and lied, saying he wanted to become a Healer because his N.E.W.T.s would definitely enable him to do that. But what he really wanted was to help Dumbledore fight against someone and something he could only describe as pure evil. He felt that it was his duty and also his chance to become a better person. Well, a better werewolf, technically speaking.
    The members of the Order of the Phoenix, except for his friends and Albus Dumbledore, weren’t aware of his condition, but Lupin still felt that to really be on everyone else’s level, he had to be just a little bit better than them, had to somehow compensate for his lycantrophy. Even when people didn’t know about it, they seemed to have a hunch that something’s off about him. Maybe because he was trying to be normal a little bit too hard.
    But what really mattered was that he was trying, right? He was sitting there, again, listening to Dumbledore talking about the other side’s recent activities and trying his hardest to be helpful. James and Lily were to his left side, Sirius and Peter to his right, all extremely focused on Albus.
    I didn’t sound good. The attacks were more and more brutal, people were more and more scared and a lot of them joined Death Eaters. Remus felt something heavy sinking in his chest, reminding him that somewhere along those Death Eaters was Fenrir Greyback, probably ruining the lives of more innocent people. He couldn’t do anything about it, not really and it was an awful feeling.
    “It’s important to note that the Ministry of Magic will be able to assist with eliminating the threat-“ stated Dumbledore before he was cut off by a glowing light-blue gazelle rushing through the door. Everyone froze and held their breath, waiting for Dorcas’ patronus to talk.
    “Death Eaters attacked us outside the Leaky Cauldron. People are hurt. Send help, please,” was the whole message and then the gazelle disappeared.
    There was a short, quiet pause as everyone thought about what they've just heard and then people stared standing up and talking all at once. Lupin stood up, too, right after glancing at Sirius who was clearly ready to go, his wand already in his hand. It was their fourth... maybe even third meeting and something like this has never happened before. There was no time to waste, right? People, their people could be dying right now, the Death Eaters... a shiver run down Remus’ spine as he swallowed. It was really happening. He wasn’t excited, there was nothing to be excited about, but he also wasn’t scared. Not for himself. He chose his side as well as his possible end a long time ago.
    “We’ll all Apparate to the Leaky Cauldron,” said Albus loudly, with so much determination that everybody looked at him, agreeing silently. Moony could swear that for a brief moment, their eyes met and Dumbledore nodded. “Please focus, we don’t need any splinching,” he added.
    Please don’t die, thought Remus because he couldn’t say it out loud, glancing at his friends and smiling faintly when his eyes met with Sirius’. Members of the Order were gathering around Dumbledore, ready to follow his lead, still speaking, something about danger, glory and love but Lupin forced himself to only think of the Leaky Cauldron. After, all, it was his chance to finally be useful.

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  2. He thought that he was ready for everything and anything they may encounter right outside The Leaky Cauldron but he was wrong. His feet barely touched the ground, and he had to duck three times before he was able to pull out his wand. Chaos prevailed, witches and wizards were screaming, and there was a cloud of heavy smoke hovering above everyone’s heads. It all felt suffocating.
    “Confringo!” shouted someone right next to him and Remus felt every little hair on the back of his neck stand up as he saw the orange, fire-like spark speed in his direction.
    “Protego!” he managed at the last possible moment, and the spell dissipated as soon as it hit his shield, forcing him to lurch backwards a little bit. “Bloody hell,” he mumbled, getting back in position.
    At that moment, with his wand in his hand and spells rolling off his tongue, he understood something very important. Death Eaters didn’t want to disarm them, didn’t really want to duel, they wanted to kill them. There was no Expelliarmus or Stupefy heard from their lips, or well, from behind their masks, just fire, explosions and pain as more and more people collapsed to the ground.
    Lupin was always quite good at defensive magic but his hand shook a little when he pointed his wand at the wall, under which two Death Eaters cornered Dorcas, and cast the Reductor Curse. The bricks, probably the whole sodding wall crumbled on them and Dorcas jumped aside, nodding at him from the distance.
    Remus didn’t know where his friends were, wanted to look for them, turned around and felt something graze his cheek as he did, a bright green light passing right by him. He swallowed a moan of pain and that was when he saw him. Severus Snape. He had the Death Eater mask on, but the hood was no longer on his head so his black, still slimy hair and even the way he moved were easy to recognize. Shit. Did this bloody fucking wanker just try to kill him?
    Everything happened so fast. Lupin felt a wave of anger wash over him and yes, he was angry before, the adrenaline running through his veins, but now it was something deeper. He wanted to growl at him like an animal he fucking was, wanted to do something truly awful because hell, it was war after all, but then James suddenly appeared right next to him, his hair a bigger mess than usual, a trickle of blood running down his cheek and his eyes glowing with excitement.
    “Fucking Snivellus!” he yelled, panting. “Should’ve killed you a long time ago!” He raised his wand and a bright red light shot out of the tip of it. Remus murmured an incantaiton to help him. Snape was fast enough to defend himself but he still fell back, hitting his head on the ground.
    “I’m gonna end his sad, miserable life right fucking now,” said Potter and Moony had no desire to stop him but something else did. They were all thrown backwards by a white sparkling light that suddenly appeared in the middle of the grey, crowded alley.
    Dumbledore, thought Lupin, squinting his eyes to see what was happening. But it wasn’t Dumbledore but Aurors materializing one after the other. They looked proud and honestly terrifying. After a short pause everyone started to jump right back up, the members of the Order of the Phoenix casting spells with some mysterious, newly found strength and their chances finally seemed to even out.
    Lupin fought to the best of his abilities. He lost James somewhere in-between cursing a Death Eater and being thrown by one right into a wall but out of the corner of his eye, he saw a glimpse of Lily’s red hair and then he somehow landed right at Sirius’ feet after trying to push back some dangerously speeding his way spell. He was truly exhausted, his breathing was heavy and his ears were ringing due to all the curses whizzing through the air but he didn’t stop, not for a second. And come to think of it, the only person he didn’t see anywhere was Peter. God, he hoped nothing bad happened to him.

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  3. “Thanks,” mumbled Remus as he stood up. He wanted to say more but there really wasn’t time for that. Another spell almost hit him right in the face but he ducked and then responded with a curse of his own, now somehow standing back to back with Sirius and this felt safer. Safer than being alone, safer than not knowing if all of his friends are dead or not, just... better.
    They were clearly winning now. Death Eaters stared to disapparate one by one, leaving their wounded behind. As soon as the buzz of flying through the air spells and loud screams faded out, Lupin started to feel sad. Just... sad and worn-out. It was as if all the adrenaline suddenly left his body and all that was left of him was sore muscles and, somehow, blood on his hands. Why was there blood on his hands? He didn’t really know but it probably had something to do with this being thrown around by Death Eaters business.
    He was certain that he chose his side of the conflict wisely but still, witches and wizards lying on the ground, not moving, it just didn’t seem right, whoever they were. Sure, the Order of the Phoenix won the battle and it looked like Death Eaters lost more people than them but what about the war? They could still lose. This reality hit him hard and all at once.
    “Yeah, I’m fine, Pads,” he assured finally, returning his smile. At least he wasn’t alone. “And Prongs almost did show him how to do that. I- I honestly would’ve let him” he added, frowning a little. What did it say about Remus? Well, for one, he didn’t quite like the idea of being murdered and yes, now he held an even bigger grudge against Snape. Fuck that kid.
    The alley was almost completely quiet. Aurors were taking care of the dead or wounded Death Eaters, taking them somewhere and members of the Order were just helping each other in general. A thick, heavy cloud of smoke was now hovering closer and closer to the ground, forcing Moony to cough in an attempt to clear his throat. It didn’t work. The ashes left by the few, now put down, fires made his eyes water when he looked around to find his friends. Lily was holding onto James as he manoeuvred them inside, presumably to get some help with her injuries, and even Pete was finally there, crouching right next to some wounded guy. So he was fine too, all of his closest friends were fine, thank Merlin.
    Lupin sighed with relief and then he saw Dumbledore walking in his direction. He patted both him and Sirius on the back, visibly thankful for joining the fight and then encouraging them to go home shortly and rest while they still had the chance to do so. It sounded kinda disturbing, especially in his deep, wise voice but Lupin knew that Albus was right. At this point nothing was certain anymore.
    “We will, thank you, sir,” He nodded, watching him move to another person and then Moony’s gaze went right back to Sirius. Black looked like he could use a bath but they probably all did so it was fine. Besides that, Remus was just happy to see him standing and talking.
    “Are you okay?” he asked slowly, just to make sure. He laid a hand on Padfoot’s shoulder as he looked him up and down, trying to find some signs of an injury that needed immediate attention. “Do you want me to look at that?” He looked at Sirius’ hand still placed at his own side and guessed that was the problem. “I’m quite alright at healing spells, you know,”.
    Remus smiled, tilting his head to the side. If he could, he wanted to help and he really was alright, because well, he practised on himself after every particularly bad full moon for the longest time. They could also just go but Prongs, Lily and Wormtail were still here, helping, and he wanted to help, too. Taking part in the battle made him feel accomplished and proud in a way, it did, but it also made him question whether he could’ve done more.

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  4. Remus wasn’t even surprised that Sirius didn’t want his help. Black was obviously above admitting that he needed it, which was sometimes kind of charming in that stubborn like hell way of his, although now was really no time to be stubborn. But since he seemed just fine and his injury could wait, well, they were free to lend a hand to their friends that needed it even more.
    “Fine, you’re right, we should go- ah, help the others. But I will check if you’re not actually dying and just trying to sweet-talk your way out of worrying me when we get home,” he said, looking at his friend with a raised eyebrow and almost a warning in his voice. He wasn’t exactly joking but wasn’t absolutely serious either. After what had just happened, he didn’t need any more heavy, sad feelings making their way through his mind. And he worried too much, anyways.
    “Also, you saved her, too. And me. And every other member of the Order, because we’re friends and we help each other,” Remus nodded, absolutely certain of every word. They were all a family now, right? Of course, he wished the battle didn’t even take place but since it did, maybe it brought them all closer together. Because they, unlike Death Eaters, didn’t leave anyone behind.
    “Okay, so let’s go inside. They probably really could use two extra pairs of hands,” he finally said, glancing at Padfoot to make sure they’re on the same page. Yeah, looked like it, even if they were a bit scared of what they’ll see. Or at least Lupin was but he wouldn’t admit it, not right now, he knew he had to be brave. He was a Gryffindor, after all.
    So he took a deep breath and they both went inside the pub. Everything was in ruins there, too. The smell was honestly awful, thanks to the broken bottles of alcohol. Broken pieces of wood were lying everywhere and some people were lying on the tables, surrounded by others that were casting healing spells and treating their wounds, trying to make them stay awake. But it all didn’t really look as horrifying as Remus imagined, the floor and walls weren’t covered in blood or anything... although to be fair, one of the walls was practically no longer there, probably thanks to one of the explosions.
    Lupin tried to look around and see if everyone was here, but since everybody present looked grey, dirty, and to be honest, quite sad, it wasn’t that easy. He didn’t even know how many people were here when the attack started.
    “Remus!” exclaimed Dorcas, suddenly appearing right in front of them. She sounded only a bit more hoarse than usual, no longer had her robe on and was wearing a particularly ugly, red sweater with the sleeves rolled up. Her long hair was messy and there was dirt all over her face and clothes but other than that, she looked fine. “Thank you,” She smiled and just hugged him so he obviously hugged her back and mumbled a rather weak welcome while Dorcas still had her hands joined behind his back. It felt nice and warm, like he finally did something good, but still, he just happened to see that she was in trouble and helped her because that’s what friends are for.
    “Thank you all for coming so fast,” she added and stepped away from him only to hug Sirius, too. And then she continued to talk. “Can you stay and help us? We- we’ve lost two people, as far as I know, one of my great friends, he wasn’t even- well, but others still need a good healing spell. Fucking Death Eaters like to literally play with fire, sick bastards,” she huffed, frowning and took a step back.
    “Of course we will,” said Remus, looking at Sirius to confirm that he’s staying, too. He really wanted to ask Dorcas who exactly died, his heart just sunk, suddenly extremely heavy in his chest when he heard her say lost two people but since she didn’t just tell them, he felt awkward asking. ”Just show us who needs help?”

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  5. They separated – Sirius was helping with moving the rest of the wounded to the pub while Remus stayed inside. He knew that he could never really become a Healer, not when he was sick himself, but right now he was able to help nonetheless. Blood really didn’t bother him much, he saw a lot of it since he was a kid but it was rarely someone else’s blood so this aspect was quite new to him. He tried his hardest, though, just like he always did and the satisfaction he felt when people started to feel better thanks to him, was truly indescribable.
    He wasn’t perfect at casting the spells, left a few scars which could perhaps be avoided by a trained professional but no one complained about it. All of the injured were still quite sore and probably exhausted or in a little bit of a shock so one by one they were escorted to their homes where they could rest and heal completely by other members of the Order.
    At one point he briefly talked with James and Lily, just to be sure that they’re fine and they were so he came back to healing. Remus worked with his sleeves rolled up to the elbows and sweat dripping from his forehead and when he was finally done with helping the last wizard in need, he honestly felt drained and like he could pass out at any moment. Maybe he pushed himself too far but he was trying to prove a point – he was a valuable member of the Order of the Phoenix and he cared.
    People started to help with cleaning the Leaky Cauldron but at that point, Lupin just felt too tired to be of any use to them. Besides, there were older and more skilled in that type of spells wizards and witches and they knew exactly what to do to make this place look brand new.
    He wanted to find Sirius and ask him if he wanted to go home yet, but Sirius found and asked him that exact question him first, so Remus just nodded his head with a sigh.
    “Yeah, let’s just go” he agreed, preparing to Apparate and moments later they were both in their house... or, well, in Padfoot’s house, but Moony had understandable problems with finding his own place and now it was honestly the last thing on his mind.
    They were standing in the middle of the living room, breathing heavy, looking at each other and Lupin didn’t really know what to say. He felt overwhelmed. Everything looked the same, just as they left it but he knew that two people won’t go back home tonight, or tomorrow, or ever, and that realisation just hit him hard, again. They were so, so lucky to be alive.
    “You know what? I fucking hate war,” he simply said, glancing at Sirius. Remus coughed, trying to get rid of the dust and smoke he inhaled on the battlefield but it was no use. What he really wanted to do was to just plop down on the couch and curl up in a ball in an attempt of digesting today’s events. But he also knew that he desperately needed a shower to not feel so dirty anymore. The last time he felt so awful was after a particularly bad full moon and absolutely despised that feeling.
    “But we’ll win and it’ll all be worth it in the end, right?” he asked, not really expecting an answer and careful not to let the sadness show in his voice. Every war meant there’ll be casualties and they couldn’t do anything to change that. Remus just hoped that they’ll live to see their big victory.
    “I... I think I’m gonna go take a shower now because I bloody stink. And then... well, do you feel like having a drink? I sure do,” Moony raised an eyebrow, not even feeling guilty for the suggestion. They could use a drink, right? He was pretty sure he won’t be able to fall asleep without one anyway.

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